How to create Richer Relationships, Five Goals in communicating emotions

Identifying emotions and their impact can be an extremely effective way to create richer and more amicable relationships in our everyday lives.

A simple way to start is to just become aware of our emotions, where specifically do you experience emotions , in what part of your body ? How does it feel ? For example

•  ''butterflies'' and churning in the stomach

•  stiffness: tight muscles and tension in neck, shoulders, jaw, chest

• headache

What effect do emotions have on the outcomes of our everyday activities , do our emotions change the way we react to a certain situation. Does it cause our attention to shift away from the issue and toward the emotion. Perhaps it  inhibits listening and expression of concerns , or  leads to suppression and avoidance of the issue because it's too uncomfortable.

I am sure there has been a time in your life when your emotions were overwhelming , what happened then ? Did your emotions take over, were you screaming , crying , perhaps your were physically or verbally violent to people you care about.

What are emotions , to me they are purely energy in motion, therefore where focus goes energy flows.  It is based on these principles that we can really start to understand how our body and nervous system in particular,  react to any given situation and produces the emotions and feelings that cause us to behave in a certain way.

Are there some emotions which are more significant than others with regard to conflict,  what are they?

Below is a summary of some different emotions that can be typically hard to manage for many people, and how they relate to conflict. 

Anger: When appropriately expressed, anger can be a fire for change. Only when it's misdirected, or inappropriately expressed, is it destructive. Recognising and accepting our own anger will provide the impetus for change. Off-loading it onto others, making ''them the bad guys", gives away our personal power and often leaves us stuck with the problem.

Resentment: This is like frozen anger and is a feeling that blames others for a situation or for a hurt we feel. It's an ''export job'' – a way of holding others apart from us, to maintain a position of being right, superior or self-righteous. It's often easier to feel resentment rather than to take responsibility for other feelings, or for changing the situation.

 Hurt: Underneath resentment and anger there is often hurt. Acknowledging that you feel hurt is empowering. The alternatives are often to withdraw, to seek revenge or to feel resentment. All of these contribute to the escalation of conflict. Often it is easier for others to acknowledge our hurt than our anger. When talking about our anger, we may be better received if we also talk about our hurt.

Guilt: Guilt can be very self-destructive when we allow it to gnaw away at us. It can be productive when we allow ourselves to feel it fully, and then move on by seeking to understand the source of our guilt. It is then that we can choose what needs to be done to resolve it. All we may be able to do is decide not to do what we did again, in a similar situation. Or we may be able to learn a new way of behaving.

 Regret: Often when we show anger or resentment, we are also hiding regret. We have great difficulty in experiencing and expressing the pain and sorrow under the anger and resentment. Fear, anxiety and embarrassment block the expression of regret. Regret is a huge feeling that is the acknowledgement of the unfulfilled potential of a situation. It is often the last emotion before we let go of the ''if only's'' and reach a place of acceptance.

 Fear: We often experience this when we feel out of control of a situation. Fear arises from our interpretation of what the outcome will be: physical or emotional hurt, or consequences that will diminish us or our circumstances in some way. Separating the interpretation from the reality, and becoming centred within ourselves will allow us to choose appropriate action. Fear warns us that we feel out of control and need to proceed with caution and perhaps get some help or gather more information.

You can find more about recognising emotions in my other resources  "How do You Feel Today?" and ''Accepting Our Emotions''.

Expressing Our Emotions                                    

What are some of the ways we express or deal with our emotions? 

One-off or short term techniques are useful when we're unable to deal completely with the emotion at the time e.g. in a meeting, at a social function, or other setting where it's inappropriate. On-going or long term techniques are those which we build into our daily lives to release tension.

one-off breathe deeply take time out doodle stamp your foot snap a pencil tear up a piece of paper have a cup of tea

on-going, exercise talk listen meditate cuddle write a journal

What happens if we don't express our emotions? 

·       ill health

·       stress

·       withdrawal

·       explosion

·       diminished capacity to experience pleasure and happiness.

What prevents us from expressing our emotions?

·       cultural expectations

·       family background

·       workplace and social decorum

·       self-image

Does this mean that we often have no alternative than to suppress, or is there another option?    

YES , you don't need to suppress or contain your emotions , you can consciously choose to HANDLE IT !!

You can effectively handle your emotions through understanding and recognising the cycle of emotion.   

                  CYCLE  OF EMOTION

We all have certain things, situations, or people that  cause us to lose our composure from time to time.  Determine what causes YOU to “lose your cool” by  completing this activity .  Make a list of all the things or factors that get you a little wound up they may be factors that cause you to feel, aggravated , angry , depressed, scared , worried  , now get familiar with them !!!  We call these things you have identified  "stressors" When you begin to identify your stressors, you can become skilled at preventing  negative consequences.

So you are aware of what triggers your emotions , now what ?

It is important to have a plan , how will you try to handle your emotions when they fire off in your body , and under certain situations . Emotions as I said earlier are energy in motion , and they are our body's way of sending signals and or communicating. That is why it is extremely important to have communication goals for our emotions. Below are some broad goals you may choose to adopt that will enable you to explore your response to the various stressors on the  list  you created 

FIVE GOALS in communicating emotions:

            Aim:    to avoid the desire to punish or blame

                        To improve the situation

                        To communicate my feelings appropriately

                        To improve the relationship and increase communication

                                    To avoid repeating the same situation

The level of understanding, or our emotional intelligence sometimes refereed to as EQ , affects the quality of our lives because it directly influences our behaviour and in turn our relationships. Increasing our level of emotional understanding or intelligence  allows us to make more conscious choices about how we see different events and circumstances in our everyday lives, enabling use to manifest or bring about the type of changes we want rather than those we feel have just shown up as a result of our circumstances. 

By understanding and managing our emotions and influencing our actions we can better communicate , are less likes to be stressed or experience anxiety and are well equipped to handle the complexity of day to day relationships and challenges. Emotional regulation develops our ability to prevent reacting on raw feelings and is based on the ability to give ourselves the skills and time to handle and manage unpleasant emotions, and find a productive and more acceptable way to express them.