A simple way to start is to just become aware of our emotions, where specifically do you experience emotions , in what part of your body ? How does it feel ? For example
- ''butterflies'' and churning in the stomach
- stiffness: tight muscles and tension in neck, shoulders, jaw, chest
- headache
I am sure there has been a time in your life when your emotions were overwhelming , what happened then ? Did your emotions take over, were you screaming , crying , perhaps your were physically or verbally violent to people you care about.What are emotions , to me they are purely energy in motion, therefore where focus goes energy flows. It is based on these principles that we can really start to understand how our body and nervous system in particular, react to any given situation and produces the emotions and feelings that cause us to behave in a certain way.
Are there some emotions which are more significant than others with regard to conflict, what are they?
Below is a summary of some different emotions that can be typically hard to manage for many people, and how they relate to conflict.
Anger: When appropriately expressed, anger can be a
fire for change. Only when it's misdirected, or
inappropriately expressed, is it destructive. Recognising and accepting our own
anger will provide the impetus for change. Off-loading it onto others, making
''them the bad guys", gives away our personal power and often leaves us
stuck with the problem.
Resentment:
This is like frozen anger and is a feeling that blames others for
a situation or for a hurt we feel. It's an ''export job'' – a way of holding
others apart from us, to maintain a position of being right, superior or
self-righteous. It's often easier to feel resentment rather than to take
responsibility for other feelings, or for changing the situation.
Hurt:
Underneath resentment and anger there is often hurt.
Acknowledging that you feel hurt is empowering. The alternatives are often to
withdraw, to seek revenge or to feel resentment. All of these contribute to the
escalation of conflict. Often it is easier for others to acknowledge our hurt
than our anger. When talking about our anger, we may be better received if we
also talk about our hurt.
Guilt:
Guilt can be very self-destructive when we allow it to gnaw away at us. It can
be productive when we allow ourselves to feel it fully, and then move on by
seeking to understand the source of our guilt. It is then that we can choose
what needs to be done to resolve it. All we may be able to do is decide not to
do what we did again, in a similar situation. Or we may be able to learn a new
way of behaving.
Regret:
Often when we show anger or resentment, we are also hiding regret. We have
great difficulty in experiencing and expressing the pain and sorrow under the
anger and resentment. Fear, anxiety and embarrassment block the expression of
regret. Regret is a huge feeling that is the acknowledgement of the unfulfilled
potential of a situation. It is often the last emotion before we let go of the
''if only's'' and reach a place of acceptance.
Fear:
We often experience this when we feel out of control of a
situation. Fear arises from our interpretation of what the outcome will be:
physical or emotional hurt, or consequences that will diminish us or our
circumstances in some way. Separating the interpretation from the reality,
and becoming centred within ourselves will allow us to choose appropriate action.
Fear warns us that we feel out of control and need to proceed with caution and
perhaps get some help or gather more information.
You can find more about recognising emotions in my other resources "How do You Feel Today?" and ''Accepting Our Emotions''.
Expressing Our Emotions
What are some of the ways we express or deal with our emotions?
One-off or short term techniques are useful when we're unable
to deal completely with the emotion at the time e.g. in a meeting, at a social
function, or other setting where it's inappropriate. On-going or long term
techniques are those which we build into our daily lives to release tension.
one-off
breathe deeply
take time out
doodle
stamp your foot
snap a pencil
tear up a piece of paper
have a cup of tea
|
on-going,
exercise
talk
listen
meditate
cuddle
write a journal
|
What happens if we don't express our emotions?
·
ill health
·
stress
·
withdrawal
·
explosion
·
diminished capacity to experience pleasure and
happiness.
What prevents us from expressing our emotions?
·
cultural expectations
·
family background
·
workplace and social decorum
·
self-image
Does this mean that we often have no alternative than to suppress, or is
there another option?
YES , you don't need to suppress or contain your emotions , you can consciously choose to HANDLE IT !!
You can effectively handle your emotions through understanding and recognising the cycle of emotion.
CYCLE OF EMOTION
We all have certain things, situations, or people that cause us to lose our composure from time to time. Determine what causes YOU to “lose your cool” by completing this activity . Make a list of all the things or factors that get you a little wound up they may be factors that cause you to feel, aggravated , angry , depressed, scared , worried , now get familiar with them !!! We call these things you have identified "stressors" When you begin to identify your stressors, you can become skilled at preventing negative consequences.
So you are aware of what triggers your emotions , now what ?
It is important to have a plan , how will you try to handle your emotions when they fire off in your body , and under certain situations . Emotions as I said earlier are energy in motion , and they are our body's way of sending signals and or communicating. That is why it is extremely important to have communication goals for our emotions. Below are some broad goals you may choose to adopt that will enable you to explore your response to the various stressors on the list you created
FIVE GOALS in communicating emotions:
Aim: to avoid the
desire to punish or blame
To improve the situation
To communicate my feelings appropriately
To improve the relationship and increase
communication
To
avoid repeating the same situation
The level of understanding, or our emotional intelligence sometimes refereed to as EQ , affects the quality of our lives because it directly influences our behaviour and in turn our relationships. Increasing our level of emotional understanding or intelligence allows us to make more conscious choices about how we see different events and circumstances in our everyday lives, enabling use to manifest or bring about the type of changes we want rather than those we feel have just shown up as a result of our circumstances.
By understanding and managing our emotions and influencing our actions we can better communicate , are less likes to be stressed or experience anxiety and are well equipped to handle the complexity of day to day relationships and challenges. Emotional regulation develops our ability to prevent reacting on raw feelings and is based on the ability to give ourselves the skills and time to handle and manage unpleasant emotions, and find a productive and more acceptable way to express them.
